Poppies...Finished

more fun with audrey

Another Painting

Merry Chrismas

The holidays are coming and to be honest –not my favorite season.
A couple of years ago while having an extended pity party, I decided I would not participate in the holidays. I proclaimed to my family and friends that I was going to be Jewish that year……My mother was not amused. So, since that plan was not going to work for me, I decided to schedule a surgery that I had been putting off – three days before Christmas. My sister drove up from Dallas to be with me. She brought a little Christmas tree for my my hospital room and spent the following week sleeping on a fold-out chair. The surgery had ended up being more involved and it made my hospital stay much longer. On top of that, a blizzard came and snowed us in. My sister ended up completely missing Christmas with her family. But, in our own weird way, we had fun. Let’s face it – I was delirious and from what I gather, ended up being quite entertaining.

So…my sister got me through Christmas that year. And, I know that I can never repay that kind of selfless gift. A blender would just seem trite.

Abstract Floral

A Good Place

I believe we all go through growth spurts. Just like a plant we need nourishment, sunlight, and good surroundings. And, when we aren’t in a good place, we simply can’t grow. I’m in a good place….and hopefully growing and changing. It’s never too late….to become what we were meant to be. I painted the above picture, part of my growth :)

Ashes

Say Cheese

Last week, my art instructor assigned our new project – a painting based on a self portrait. He suggested that it be better quality than a candid photograph. “No facebook photos” he said.

So, faced with the choice of having an awkward photo session with a friend or relative, I decided I would have an awkward photo session at a portrait studio. Because I didn’t want to spend much (or any) money on the photo, I went to an inexpensive “studio” nearby.

When I walked into the studio, it was apparent I was in a children’s portrait studio. I asked the young woman at the front desk if they often photographed adults, and she assured me that they did (liar). So, she ushered me through the waiting area filled with young parents and children, to the room where the session would take place. There was no door…. "Where’s the door?” I asked. “No door,” said the girl. “So, the people in the waiting area are going to watch?” I asked, puzzled. She replied, that I should just ignore them. “Uh, okay”, I said, just ready to get a photo snapped and be done.

I looked around and saw large props such as pumpkins and building blocks, feather boas and miniature fireman hats. My sillier side was tempted to just grab a big pumpkin and say cheese, but I decided to put that idea out of my head.

The photographer (who was also the girl at the front desk….hmm) started asking me what backdrops I would like. “None” I replied. “Just black or white.” She looked a little frustrated and went to get her boss, who came in and explained that in order to provide the best possible quality of session, that we would have to use at least eight different backdrops. I assured them again I would require no fake library, or American flag. Finally, she began to take the photos. I cooperated for the most part. After a few snaps, she told me to lie down. “On the floor?” I asked. “Are you sure you have adults do this pose?” She replied that they always used that pose. (liar, liar, pants on fire) So, as I was lying stomach down with my chin in my palms, I replied, “No offense, but I really don’t think this is a pose for an adult, I mean I can’t see my 83-yr old mother doing this.”

Well, I finally relented and let them do their thing. They showed me the images afterward, and I chose a few I was relatively happy with. So, it would be a shame to not share them.

I should have worn the feather boa.

best laid plans....

A couple of days ago, I flew to Chicago for the follow-up from my recent surgery and to get started on the new clinical trial - a vaccine that would be created using my own cancer cells that were harvested from the surgery. The idea behind the vaccine trial was to take my agressive cancer cells and transform them into a vaccine where they essentialy kill off the body's cancer cells. I was excited. I had a plan. And, it was a plan that gave me immense hope.

So, what's the old saying...."the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry?" Yes. Our plan went awry. This morning at my appointment, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but we could not create the vaccine from your tumor.....there were just not enough cells to make it." She explained that in reality, there were indeed enough cancer cells, but a significant amount of them were indolent. I was puzzled. "Indolent?" I asked. "You mean lazy? My cancer cells are lazy?" I was visualizing my cancer cells soaking in a bubble bath sipping on chilled chardonnay... Dr. W responded, "Yes, they are a little "lazy". We needed more active cells. But, the bright side is, that we know we can go down this path again, should your cancer continue to grow and become more agressive." Instead of getting caught up on how "cancer growing" would qualify as being "the bright side", I just asked her for Plan B.


Not only did Dr W come up with a Plan B, but she had Plan C, and then had Plan D in her back pocket. In dealing with this disease you truly have to expect the unexpected. In fact, you can count on it. And, as soon as the pendulum reverses its course and begins swinging the other way, you'd better jump on and ride. This pendulum could take you farther than you've ever gone before.

CTCA

A few weeks ago, I traveled to a cancer treatment center to check out the possibility of enrolling in a clinical trial. When I researched this particular trial, there were only a couple of hospitals offering it. I spoke to the University of Pennsylvania, but soon realized that the expense of traveling, etc., would be far out of my capability to pay - flying back and forth every week, etc.

The other facility was called Cancer Treatment Centers of America. They had a location in the Chicago area that was offering the trial. Plus...they would pay my airfare every time. -- I was in.

CTCA is very unique in its approach to patient care. When you walk in the hospital, you are greeted by staff who are falling all over themselves to make sure you are pleased. The only way I could describe it was a "Disneyland" for cancer patients. Except for enjoying Disneyland with my girls as youngsters, I'm not particularly a fan of the wonderland. And, being the cynical person that I am......I instantly put up my guard. By the time I left my initial consultation to go back to the hotel, I had an assortment of free gifts, a leather notebook, a bathrobe, a souvenier lanyard, and stuffed animal. I thought to myself, "The only thing missing are my Mickey Mouse ears."

Throughout the next several days, I met with my doctors and began the process of catscans, bloodtests, etc. They suggested surgery the following Monday, which would mean staying over the weekend. So, I decided I wanted to go into downtown Chicago to visit the Art Institute. I asked the concierge about catching the train, and he replied that they would have a car pick me up and drive me to the train station, and whenever I decided to come back to the hotel, they would be at the train station waiting for me.....and indeed they did. Hmmm.....I was beginning to lower my guard. I mentioned to my doctor that my brother would be flying in for the surgery, and moments later, they had a plane ticket reserved for him. Now that was impressive.


So, as the story goes, I had my surgery and as an inpatient received the best care I've ever had (and I've had a lot). I will return to CTCA in a couple of weeks to begin my treatment. And this time, there will be no cynicism whatsoever...

Now, where did I put those Mickey Mouse ears?....

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

love, Mom

I wish I had someone to tell this to

I wish I had listened to my parents when I was a young adult, making life decisions and figuring out what I was supposed to be. I'm sure it was frustrating for my parents to see me make poor decisions as far as my schooling, marrying too young, marrying a second time, and the list goes on and on. Oh well, because of those type of choices, I ended up at the very least, a much wiser person for it.

If I were talking to a young person starting out on their adult journey....for whatever it's worth, my advice would be as follows....

Time is on your side. If you haven't found what your life's vocation is, you still have time. Time to go to school. Time to get experience. In a person's twenties and thirties, even if you don't believe it.......you have time to figure it out and make it happen. So don't give up on your dream thinking you are too old. You're still just beginning.

Cherish what you have. Don't compare your life to other's around you. I remember when I was very young and newly married and all of the people that we hung with had nice homes and jobs.....but we were just starting out. We felt an urgency to come up to speed to try to catch up a little, but in the end, we should have just enjoyed our small house and lifestyle, because in reality we had everything we wanted .... our beautiful little girls.

Get a college degree. Even if it is three hours a semester and it takes you ten yrs to get it......do it. And get it in something you love, or you won't finish it. A degree in anything opens doors to jobs, to friendships, to social acceptance.

Don't play the blame game. I played that game way too long and you know where it got me? Absolutely nowhere. So, if you want to go nowhere fast, always place blame on someone else.

Be around people that have their life in order and are on their way to being successful. Learn by observing their everyday lifestyle, what makes them that way. Perhaps they have a lot of energy. Perhaps they are very ethical. They may have a daily goal. I've learned from a friend that I need to be very structured like her. If I'm not structured for one or two days......things easily get out of hand.

And, structure is your friend. Wake up early every single day...make toast and coffee, then prioritize your day. Make a daily schedule of things that you do everyday, especially if you have children, because children crave structure. A schedule for the child and a schedule for you. When dinner time rolls around, you will have had a better day.

Work hard. Either on you job that may not even be your dream job, or if you are at home with kiddos. Lazy gets people nowwhere fast and turns into depression. In this day and age, jobs are competitive, we have to work harder than the person next to us.

Don't make choices on impulse or out of emotions. I can look back and see how one choice impacted the rest of my life. So, when you make just a handful of bad choices, they impact each other and snowball to where life is nowhere near what you thought it would be.

Treat people with respect. Even if you don't feel you can respect a certain person, pretend. A lot of success in life comes from pretending.

Finally....be happy. Just be happy, be content. If you aren't then get therapy and take some meds...Seriously. Life's too short.

Moving Day

The vase that you held for ten hours on the plane, I put in a box, wrapped up in my pain.

I carried my pain down the stairs through the door, but tripped over pieces of you on the floor.

I handed the box for another to bear. The pain is too heavy...It's beginning to tear.

The box is now hidden. But when I am strong, I'll open it often....Pain can't last that long.

Inner Artist

Summer class is in full swing, and as I bask in the words of Yeats and Hemingway, I continue to struggle to find my inner artist. The second day of drawing class, I walked in to find the instructor piling a stack of bones on the platform in the center of the room. We then proceeded to draw these bones for the remaining three hours of class. I kept telling the instructor that I was sure I was finished...there just were no more bones to be drawn. But he insisted that I continue drawing until the three hours was up. By the end of class, my head was spinning and to top it off, my instructor held up my sketch to the remainder of the class as a good example of "what your second day in drawing class probably will look like" - Ouch.

Thankfully, no more bones...although I never know what to expect when I do walk into the studio. This morning, we were introduced to our nude model...and before I could throw back my first cup of coffee, we were already frantically drawing in timed sessions. I believe that there are just some things that a person shouldn't be presented with that early in the morning....at least not until after the second cup of coffee.:)

By the end of the class, I was pretty excited about my progress. At my brother's home later this evening, I pulled out my sketches. I waited expectantly for him to tell me what a good job I did.... Instead, he looked a little puzzled and said, "Did an alien come to your class and model?" Ouch again. He was right....instead of a man, my drawing really did look like E.T.'s older cousin. But, I proudly said that was the "look" I was going for.

I'm not discouraged however.....that inner artist is inside of me somewhere :)

My Ruler

Today, I looked through my posts from the past year. I noticed that I seem to write a lot about my ongoing cancer conundrum. That's a bummer - I suppose writing about something helps me process it to some degree. But, I really don't think or talk about it much - except for the few days out of the month when I'm on my back after chemo. In fact, I just realized that yesterday afternoon, while I was painting a chair, I had missed a lab appointment....oops.

I haven't always had this attitude, and depending on what my doctors tell me occasionally, I still may think of it more than I admit. But when I do, something my sister said a few months back always comes to mind. She said we should think of life as a ruler. And, looking at my ruler, cancer is just a marking among many that make up my life. Does it make a lasting mark? Yes.... but it does not define me.

I really liked the metaphor that she used, and so I try to apply it to every situation in life. Whatever accomplishments, mistakes, experiences and relationships we have, are simply marks on our ruler - the measurement of life that help define us as a whole. But they are simply marks.....we define ourselves.

I think that is pretty powerful. My hope is that my ruler gets stronger and straighter as I go along.

Hello Art

Today was my first class of the summer semester. As a reward to myself for getting through Algebra, I enrolled in a literature class and Art 101 (basically, it's a beginning drawing course).

Of course, I was by far the oldest student in the art class - And apparently very approachable, as three other students borrowed pencils or pens from me. You would think that they would have brought a pencil to DRAWING class.....

After about three hours of instruction, we were given our first assignment - a self portrait. It's not my favorite subject, but I tackled it as though I had been commissioned to repaint the Mona Lisa. After four hours on my assignment, I finally decided I was finished with my first masterpiece. To be honest, the only thing in this self portrait that resembled myself, was the fact that I had two eyes, a nose, and a mouth.

But, I don't care. I'm delighted with my first effort. So, goodbye to graphing calculators and panic attacks. Hello art. :)

Happy Endings

Years back when I was first diagnosed with cancer the prognosis was grim. So, I read every book I could get my hands on. I started off with the "official" handbook on ovarian cancer from the doctor's office. Then my sister sent some books written by women who had survived. I was intriqued by their stories of survival and felt that if they were writing their stories five years later, then there was hope for me. I read them all, but after a while, I started getting better. I became my own survival story.

This past winter I was driving to my therapist's office (not surprised, are you?) and the radio announced that Elizabeth Edwards had passed away. It immediately took my breath away and suddenly I couldn't drive fast enough to my therapist's office. I wasn't even particularly a big fan of hers. I couldn't explain my intense reaction to her death.

When I sat down and told him the news and how it affected me, he helped me realize that once again I had placed my own hopes of survival on someone else that I related to. Also, her life had fallen apart before her eyes, and while she appeared to be moving forward, she died (at least in my eyes) without a happy ending.

So the lesson that I took away that day was not one of surviving cancer or succumbing to it, but one of happy endings. I have become determined that if my ending comes six months or ten years from now, it will be happy indeed.

Home

Memorial Day weekend I met my siblings at my parent's home. I went down a day early because I was eager to drive my convertible in the nice weather and to help Mother prepare. She had decided that she was going to fix a Mexican Fiesta. She donned her big white chef's hat and went into the kitchen that morning to get to work. I offered to get the chips and salsa from the local restaurant and pick up a few items at the store. I may have gotten distracted and had my nails done, but I digress......So when dinner was served that evening, it was wonderful, complete with hot plates and everything you would find at an authentic Mexican restaurant.

I know that as people age, they appreciate and understand their parents more than in their youth. "Aging gracefully" doesn't seem adequate to describe her wit, her manners and her selflessness.

It never occurs to her to talk poorly about others (even in the Baptist world of Gossipville). I heard from another source that my mother went to church last week and ran into an acquaintance. While my mother smiled and spoke, as she turned around the person rolled her eyes and made a face to another friend as if she were still in junior high. Of course mother noticed, but never broke her smile, and never told me how she had been treated. She's just not that way.

So, Mother is my hero....my glue that keeps it all together for me. And no matter where we are, when I'm with her I'm home. :)

Perspective

I went to chemo today and it usually quite uneventful for me, falling asleep after they infuse benedryl into my system. I'll admit I don't like being in this position with my health and I may even feel a little sorry for myself at times. But today, I heard the crying of a very young toddler nearby, apparently receiving some sort of injection or infusion. Talk about instant perspective. My situation cannot compare to that of the young family and their sick child.

Life is unexpected. It is painful and wonderful. We just don't know when we wake up in the morning which it will be. I have had many moments of perspective lately. The news has been full of stories of horror and loss, from people as far away as Sudan, to our neighbors in Missouri.

So, when I do have moments of sadness, because I often do, it is almost always followed with a little shame. Shame for not being grateful for the wonderful moments that I do have, and the opportunties that still are before me.

Community

Tonight, I have my final study group for the Algebra course that I’m taking at the local community college. There is a group of us, including the instructor, who have been together for more semesters than we want to admit. While Algebra is not a good subject for me, this particular class has turned out to be more fun than happy hour at the local pub. I mean, how many study groups bring Cinco De Mayo decorations to the Math Lab??

Being a big fan of the show “Community” I started naming the characters in our class from the show. I ultimately turned out to be the “Shirley” of the group, the cheerful, older woman. We have “Big Dave” who was a morning disc jockey for the past ten years and finally decided to get serious about his education. “Heather” just got accepted to nursing school and bubbles over with wit and sarcasm.

One of our main goals of the group is to distract the instructor with weekly anecdotes as he tries so hard to convince the class that life without knowing the binomial theorem would not be worth living. And suffice it to say, that when I take my final exam next week and walk out of the class, along with the relief to be finally through it, there will be more than a little melancholy for the end of our “community.”

Downpour

Downpour by Brandi Carlile


I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight

I'm like the wind in the canyon
I'm there when I'm gone in a second
You're growing older in peace where you're at
I wish I could be there for that
But I've moved on
Like a rolling stone
In a crowded room
I'm alone

I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight

The Story

What I See

I don’t see God in men’s eyes or their harsh rebuke of other’s lives.
I don’t see God in empty prayers of ones who never really cared.
I don’t see God in vanity, blinding self-complacency.

But I see God in my own way, away from condescending cliches.

I see him in the advocacy of compassion and charity
I see him in the solace of the quiet life not wanting strife.
I see him in humility of ones who give so selflessly
I see him in the beauty of the pure, forgiving kind of love.

I seek him more implicitly. This God who lets me....be me.

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains.' - Pierre Auguste Renoir

"One does not always sing out of happiness" - Pierre Bonnard

"There's My Queen"

I've gone on alot of road trips with my parents in the past couple of years. We were most recently on a trip down to Dallas to spend Christmas with my sister's family. And, except for the heated debate over which mayonnaise is better - Kraft or Hellman's....it was delightful.

At a stopping point in the trip, my dad and I were waiting in the car for my mother to come out of the restaurant. It was raining and my mother was caught without an umbrella, so she placed a plastic bag over her hair. As she was walking toward the car, my dad affectionately said, "There's my queen." I wanted to cry because it was so touching, but instead I muttered something about the weather and wiped a tear from my eye.

My dad said that when he met my mother, he was so impressed by her character and her selflessness in taking care of her dying parents and her younger brother that he knew he had to marry her. And, he also quickly adds, it certainly didn't hurt that she was extremely attractive and could play the guitar.

I guess I am writing this because I feel so bad that my mother had a bad day today. But, as always, she handled herself with grace and dignity. Just like the queen that she is.

Options

A person needs to know they have options. Whether it be schooling, career, or health....options give us hope.

So, I visited my oncologist last week to discuss my options. First of all, I needed to be clear about where the cancer had exactly recurred.

Dr. C described the area of all the tumor growth as the subcutaneous tissue outside my abdomen. "You mean I have cancer of my fat??", I asked. She replied flaty, "No, you have ovarian cancer. "It just happens to have recurred (as you so eloquently put it).. in the fat." "Can I have liposuction?", I asked. "No, Ramona......liposuction is not considered a cancer treatment." I was a bit deflated. I thought I was onto something there for a minute.

She pulled out a list of treatments and from the top, she read the list of possibilities I could try for my new chemotherapy, As she went down the list, it seemed as though I could have very easily just been ordering a meal from a menu.....I surveyed the information, and finally decided on Carboplatin with a side of Doxil...... "Are you sure you wouldn't like to try the Taxol?" she asked. "No thanks. I'm keeping the hair this time around."

So, in a couple of weeks, we will begin...again.

When I returned from the doctor's office, my family opened a bottle of champagne....to celebrate the fact that I still have options.....and with options, I have hope.

One More Dance

Just let me dance one more dance.

I promise I won't stay too long.

The night's slowly fading, the day is awaking and

I've been waiting so very long.

Love ones around me, dancing beside me, never wanting me to fall.

Just let me dance one more dance

Besides...they are finally playing my song.

Just Be Okay

I have a very favorite television show that I watch. It is called The Big C. It chronicles the life of a terminally ill woman with cancer. Doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs? It is....and so much more.

Laura Linney plays the protagonist who is diagnosed with terminal cancer and through the various plot lines, she tries to come to terms with her illness and her limited time. I'm glued. I get it. I wonder how the writers of the show knew that those exact things were going on at the same time in my own life?

I've learned so much about myself through watching this series, especially in perspective to how she worries about her son's life after her death. When she recieves her diagnosis, all rationality goes out the window. She is on a short time line. Everything is urgent. Although he is just a teenerager going through the usual teenager growing pains, there is no time for that. She must fix him. He must mature, be happy, be productive and completely have life figured out before she is comfortable dying. And.......it does'nt happen. And it won't happen.

Sometimes we have to accept that life does not happen according to our own agenda or timeline. We can't speed up the process of life and maturity, no matter how much it may mean to us. We just have to understand that each person grows in their own time frame and according to their own plans. Cancer can make a person selfish. I've accepted alot lately.....they will be okay....they are okay. Perhaps they never needed to be fixed in the first place.

Here's Hoping Next Week is Better

My final algebra course has begun, and it is definitely my Achilles heel. I was upbeat going into the semester because I had the same professor the from previous semester. I even had a gaggling group of girlfriends that I enjoyed sitting with.....but things did not start off in the best way.....The first night, I came in, plopped my textbook down on the desk and a student said, "Hey...what's that?" "Umm, our textbook??" I weakly replied....Well it wasn't the textbook and after a few good natured ribbings from the instructor, I exchanged it for the correct one.....no problem. Next week would be better.

The next week was not better.....I sat down on the front row with my classmates, this time proudly displaying my correct textbook. But, an hour into the class, it was time for a quiz. Not a big deal....only worth twenty points and we could even use our notes. For whatever reason....(that had nothing to do with math)....two questions into the quiz, I started crying...and crying.......uh, and crying. I tried to pull myself together but it just wasn't going to happen. I was in the front row of the class, seated directly in front of the instuctor who was trying to move forward by explaing graphing of Parabolas. I thought about leaving....but I was blocked into my row by an audio visual cart, so I just cried. And, bless his heart, he kept on teaching. He had moved onto Pythagorean Theorems before I finally got my emotions in check.

I could imagine the conversation he had with his wife when he returned home....."Honey, the crazy old woman was back tonight. She did have the right book, but she cried through class...ON THE FRONT ROW.."

So, today, I am over my embarassment and have decided my only option is to study my Algebra for this next class in every available minute I have. Next week I am going to rock my instructor's elliptical world. I will know everything for the test. He won't even believe it is me.......really. I purchased some new eyeglasses along with a hair color and trim.......so I'm thinking maybe with those changes, he won't recognize me...Perhaps he will think that Ramona gave up and is replaced by this new more impressive student .....Yes, creating a dual personality is definitely the next step in convincing him I am a perfectly capable and normal student :))

The Swan's Song
by Alfred Lord Tennyson

I.
The plain was grassy, wild and bare,
Wide, wild, and open to the air,
Which had built up everywhere
An under-roof of doleful gray.
With an inner voice the river ran,
Adown it floated a dying swan,
And loudly did lament.
It was the middle of the day.
Ever the weary wind went on,
And took the reed-tops as it went.

II.
Some blue peaks in the distance rose,
And white against the cold-white sky,
Shone out their crowning snows.
One willow over the river wept,
And shook the wave as the wind did sigh;
Above in the wind was the swallow,
Chasing itself at its own wild will,
And far thro' the marish green and still
The tangled water-courses slept,
Shot over with purple, and green, and yellow.

III.
The wild swan's death-hymn took the soul
Of that waste place with joy
Hidden in sorrow: at first to the ear
The warble was low, and full and clear;
And floating about the under-sky,
Prevailing in weakness, the coronach stole
Sometimes afar, and sometimes anear;
But anon her awful jubilant voice,
With a music strange and manifold,
Flow'd forth on a carol free and bold;
As when a mighty people rejoice
With shawms, and with cymbals, and harps of gold,
And the tumult of their acclaim is roll'd
Thro' the open gates of the city afar,
To the shepherd who watcheth the evening star.
And the creeping mosses and clambering weeds,
And the willow-branches hoar and dank,
And the wavy swell of the soughing reeds,
And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,
And the silvery marish-flowers that throng
The desolate creeks and pools among,
Were flooded over with eddying song.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings." -Victor Hugo

Politics

Spring Semester is finally here. And, although I only wish to take Art History and French courses, I must get through the necessary courses such as College Algebra and American Government in order to actually receive my degree. I have taken most all of these core requirements years ago. However, due to the fact that it was three decades ago, and the college I attended is “questionable” in their academic standards, I’m forced to take them again.

So, today was the first day of my Political Science class. As usual, I am the token “old lady” or as I refer to myself “Shirley” from the show Community. I read the syllabus and am excited that a big part of our grade is an essay on a political policy of our choosing. I think of the possibilities..all of my bleeding-heart liberal ideals that I cling to. Then, as the professor introduces himself to the class, there is a big hitch in my “giddy-up.” He is very upfront about how conservative his political views are. That’s okay….everyone is entitled to their own views. The thing that bothers me is – I know he is not going to like me. I have no real basis for this statement other than a very strong intuition based on a lifetime of experience of not being liked by this demographic. So, I decide a very low profile is a good idea if I want to get an “A”.

Later, a staff member stops in the class to ask if anyone would be interested in being a “note taker” for a disabled student for the semester. Having decided on my new low profile, I resisted and waited for someone else to volunteer. No one did, and so I raised my hand. I met the young man that I am to scribe for, and it gives me great satisfaction to be able to help……and, I need to be needed.

So, I’m thinking the whole low profile idea was just silliness on my part. We are who we are. If people don’t like us just because of our views, then they are missing out. And, perhaps I should give this professor a chance. Perhaps it is me that is the closed minded one.

When I Think of You

When I think of you
I think of your beauty and effervescent smile.

When I dream of you
I dream of a time that stands still for a while.

When I speak of you
I speak of the laughter that lit up your face

When I pray for you
I pray that you somehow can feel my embrace

I will think of you……speak of you…dream of you…pray for you…

with love always