The Poem As A Reservoir for Grief by Tess Gallagher

“It is important that we be strengthened by the wisdom of our grievings. The scientists may tinker, the politicians may instruct us in the various ploys of unconsciousness, the physicians may delay death awhile with yet another cure, but, until each individual maintains a responsible relationship to his or her own losses and changes, there will be no such thing as a hopeful future. For, as in the Taoist description of the wheel in terms of the strong, empty spaces between the spokes, one’s future depends not only on the visible spokes of the present, but also on those invisible elements from the past, those things we are missing, are grieving for, have forgotten and left behind, so that they may be recovered.”

Cancer Diaries

I don’t mean to be morose by writing about my cancer experience. But when faced with day to day difficulties, I find that reflecting on tough times that have since become a distant memory, is very therapeutic for me.

My Cancer Diaries

I was at home recuperating from a minor surgery and was relishing the few days off from work and I had happily settled into watching a marathon on Bravo’s “Project Runway.”

My pleasure was short-lived when I received a phone call from the surgeon who had performed my surgery, which included taking a small amount of tissue from my abdomen.

“Well Ramona, it’s cancer.” He explained. We talked for a while, and the next few days flew by in a flurry of phone calls, making appointments for the oncologists and labs.

In the course of the following days, I received my pathology report and notes from my surgery. I was reading over it, hoping that seeing the diagnosis in black in white would somehow make it seem more real to me. Ovarian Neoplastic Malignancy…… “Okay,” I thought……hey..wait a minute!” I continued to read, "..the patient is a 43-year old, slightly overweight female.." Slightly overweight! I was horrified.

I have an explanation for my vanity…..Since I had absolutely no control over my diagnosis but could still regulate my weight, I wanted to be able to control something. So, I did what any newly diagnosed cancer patient would do…….I went on a diet!

It was very easy to drop the weight, with the surgery and chemo…..I don’t suggest it for a weight reduction plan however.

Over time, I felt more and more at ease with my illness and realized that as a patient I really could have some form of control over the disease, as far as what doctors I decided to visit, and what treatment options I pursued.

So, the lesson I learned here? You can tell me I have cancer….just don’t tell me I’m overweight.

Outside The Fence

A few years ago, I went along on a family trip to Arkansas and Missouri traveling through the various towns that our ancestors had settled in the 1800's. We discovered historical markers and magazine articles depicting the colorful lives that they had led.

But the most poignant moment for me was visiting the cemetary where Jacob Mooney, our forefather was buried.....outside of the fence.

Jacob was successful and somewhat influential. He lived near the Whiteville Church and is buried there. But, remarkably, at the time of his death, because he was known as a person who befriended and lived among people of a different race, the townspeople put his grave on the outside of the cemetary, along with the graves of the "mixed-bloods" who lived with him.

We walked around the small white church, and the cemetary with grave markers from long ago. Then searching beyond the wire fence, among the brush and debris, we came upon Jacob's grave.

I really don't know what lesson I took away from that experience....other than, when given a choice, I think I prefer to live my life outside the fence.

I miss them

WWJD

WWJD

I think that a person's life is part circumstance and mostly choices. So, when evaluating where I was in my life, I felt as though I was doing a good job at handling life's circumstances, but my "choice making" needed a little adjustment and the best method for me to employ would be WWJD.....

I remember when this phrase came out a few years ago. I understand the message completely, and to be clear - Jesus is definitely the role model that we should all aspire to.....I just needed a more relatable figure to look to as a woman living in the 21st Century and the choices that I faced.

So, I went searching for my WWJD. I'm more fortunate than most people to have very solid, moral people in my life who challenge me to become a better person......but I could only choose one. So, I chose my sister-in-law because over the last almost thirty years I have known her, I have yet to see her make a bad choice......and her name begins with "J"

So, I have been employing the "WWJD" technique over the past couple of years.....and you know what? It works....for the most part. I still slip....alot. I will never be as graceful as my sister-in-law.

But there is alot of life ahead of me and perhaps one of these days I can be the kind of person that will inspire someone to say "What Would Mona Do?".......

Don't laugh. It could happen.

Second Spring

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus

When I was younger, I relished the change of seasons, especially the turn of summer into fall. Now, when I feel autumn descending upon me, it is bittersweet. Perhaps this is what one experiences as they get older. The change of seasons signify that life continues to move on and the years come and go more rapidly it seems.

And, the change of seasons always stirs within me a sense of nostalgia...the beautiful memories made, and the heaviness I feel because all I have are the memories.

But, with all that said, when I step out into the crisp autumn air, I still have this impermeable sense of hope. If I have learned one thing through my many autumns on this earth - life is what you make it.

So when I look down upon my crusty old leaf.....I still see a flower.

Here Kitty Kitty

I am considering entering into a commitment. In the past, I'm sure I should have taken more time and forethought when entering a relationship. Therefore, I am still dancing around the idea.

So, as many people do when they are looking at the possibility of a relationship, I looked online. There is a local humane society who lists different pets who need to be rescued from a shelter. I came across the profile of "Baxter" the cat. Baxter's "dislikes" are loud noises. His "likes" are eating, sleeping and being scratched. We just may be a match made in heaven.

I told my sister on the phone that I was considering adopting a cat. Understandably, as with some of my past relationships, she was not too pleased. "Well, you could at least get a pet that we aren't all allergic to" ... She lives in Texas.

So, disregarding my sister's advice, I met Baxter this afternoon. I grabbed a cup of coffee and went to the shelter and parked myself on the floor in front of his cage. He purred a little. Mostly, he napped. I think he likes me.

I will continue to give it a little more time before I turn into the "eccentric woman who lives alone with her cats" - But wait a minute - I hear something......I think I can hear my sister sneezing all the way down in Texas.

Here kitty kitty.....:)