Blooming in the Dark

I received some tulip bulbs a couple of years ago as a gift, and because there were so many, I didn't get around to planting them all. After my move, I kept them intending to plant them as soon I as I was permanently situated myself. A while back, as I was looking for something packed away in my basement storage, I saw a bloom. It was stemming from an old bulb that had been tossed aside in the corner of the dark room.

I wondered how it was able to bloom without the soil, light, and moisture that it required. Then I thought of the familiar quote "bloom where you are planted."

There may be times that we are in the dark or forgotten, and yet we continue to grow and bloom with the hope that one day someone might crack open our door and see the most glorious flower.

Resilience

"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before," ..... "You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good."

- Elizabeth Edwards

The Poem As A Reservoir for Grief by Tess Gallagher

“It is important that we be strengthened by the wisdom of our grievings. The scientists may tinker, the politicians may instruct us in the various ploys of unconsciousness, the physicians may delay death awhile with yet another cure, but, until each individual maintains a responsible relationship to his or her own losses and changes, there will be no such thing as a hopeful future. For, as in the Taoist description of the wheel in terms of the strong, empty spaces between the spokes, one’s future depends not only on the visible spokes of the present, but also on those invisible elements from the past, those things we are missing, are grieving for, have forgotten and left behind, so that they may be recovered.”

Cancer Diaries

I don’t mean to be morose by writing about my cancer experience. But when faced with day to day difficulties, I find that reflecting on tough times that have since become a distant memory, is very therapeutic for me.

My Cancer Diaries

I was at home recuperating from a minor surgery and was relishing the few days off from work and I had happily settled into watching a marathon on Bravo’s “Project Runway.”

My pleasure was short-lived when I received a phone call from the surgeon who had performed my surgery, which included taking a small amount of tissue from my abdomen.

“Well Ramona, it’s cancer.” He explained. We talked for a while, and the next few days flew by in a flurry of phone calls, making appointments for the oncologists and labs.

In the course of the following days, I received my pathology report and notes from my surgery. I was reading over it, hoping that seeing the diagnosis in black in white would somehow make it seem more real to me. Ovarian Neoplastic Malignancy…… “Okay,” I thought……hey..wait a minute!” I continued to read, "..the patient is a 43-year old, slightly overweight female.." Slightly overweight! I was horrified.

I have an explanation for my vanity…..Since I had absolutely no control over my diagnosis but could still regulate my weight, I wanted to be able to control something. So, I did what any newly diagnosed cancer patient would do…….I went on a diet!

It was very easy to drop the weight, with the surgery and chemo…..I don’t suggest it for a weight reduction plan however.

Over time, I felt more and more at ease with my illness and realized that as a patient I really could have some form of control over the disease, as far as what doctors I decided to visit, and what treatment options I pursued.

So, the lesson I learned here? You can tell me I have cancer….just don’t tell me I’m overweight.

Outside The Fence

A few years ago, I went along on a family trip to Arkansas and Missouri traveling through the various towns that our ancestors had settled in the 1800's. We discovered historical markers and magazine articles depicting the colorful lives that they had led.

But the most poignant moment for me was visiting the cemetary where Jacob Mooney, our forefather was buried.....outside of the fence.

Jacob was successful and somewhat influential. He lived near the Whiteville Church and is buried there. But, remarkably, at the time of his death, because he was known as a person who befriended and lived among people of a different race, the townspeople put his grave on the outside of the cemetary, along with the graves of the "mixed-bloods" who lived with him.

We walked around the small white church, and the cemetary with grave markers from long ago. Then searching beyond the wire fence, among the brush and debris, we came upon Jacob's grave.

I really don't know what lesson I took away from that experience....other than, when given a choice, I think I prefer to live my life outside the fence.

I miss them

WWJD

WWJD

I think that a person's life is part circumstance and mostly choices. So, when evaluating where I was in my life, I felt as though I was doing a good job at handling life's circumstances, but my "choice making" needed a little adjustment and the best method for me to employ would be WWJD.....

I remember when this phrase came out a few years ago. I understand the message completely, and to be clear - Jesus is definitely the role model that we should all aspire to.....I just needed a more relatable figure to look to as a woman living in the 21st Century and the choices that I faced.

So, I went searching for my WWJD. I'm more fortunate than most people to have very solid, moral people in my life who challenge me to become a better person......but I could only choose one. So, I chose my sister-in-law because over the last almost thirty years I have known her, I have yet to see her make a bad choice......and her name begins with "J"

So, I have been employing the "WWJD" technique over the past couple of years.....and you know what? It works....for the most part. I still slip....alot. I will never be as graceful as my sister-in-law.

But there is alot of life ahead of me and perhaps one of these days I can be the kind of person that will inspire someone to say "What Would Mona Do?".......

Don't laugh. It could happen.

Second Spring

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus

When I was younger, I relished the change of seasons, especially the turn of summer into fall. Now, when I feel autumn descending upon me, it is bittersweet. Perhaps this is what one experiences as they get older. The change of seasons signify that life continues to move on and the years come and go more rapidly it seems.

And, the change of seasons always stirs within me a sense of nostalgia...the beautiful memories made, and the heaviness I feel because all I have are the memories.

But, with all that said, when I step out into the crisp autumn air, I still have this impermeable sense of hope. If I have learned one thing through my many autumns on this earth - life is what you make it.

So when I look down upon my crusty old leaf.....I still see a flower.

Here Kitty Kitty

I am considering entering into a commitment. In the past, I'm sure I should have taken more time and forethought when entering a relationship. Therefore, I am still dancing around the idea.

So, as many people do when they are looking at the possibility of a relationship, I looked online. There is a local humane society who lists different pets who need to be rescued from a shelter. I came across the profile of "Baxter" the cat. Baxter's "dislikes" are loud noises. His "likes" are eating, sleeping and being scratched. We just may be a match made in heaven.

I told my sister on the phone that I was considering adopting a cat. Understandably, as with some of my past relationships, she was not too pleased. "Well, you could at least get a pet that we aren't all allergic to" ... She lives in Texas.

So, disregarding my sister's advice, I met Baxter this afternoon. I grabbed a cup of coffee and went to the shelter and parked myself on the floor in front of his cage. He purred a little. Mostly, he napped. I think he likes me.

I will continue to give it a little more time before I turn into the "eccentric woman who lives alone with her cats" - But wait a minute - I hear something......I think I can hear my sister sneezing all the way down in Texas.

Here kitty kitty.....:)

I Hope You're Hungry

In a person's lifetime, there are ups and downs. I have noticed that when I am in my "downs", I tend to get......creative. As a youngster, if I had bad days, I would play the piano endlessly (not my scales), and that seemed to be my outlet. In my adult years, I turned away from the piano and tried other "artistic" endeavors. There was the summer that I painted flower pots. Lots and lots of flower pots. Then, when I was going through my divorce, I made beaded necklaces.....lots and lots of beads. A few years back when I discovered I had cancer, I spent the following weeks in my living room on my sewing machine making purses.

To be honest, most of my creations looked as though a middle school student in home economics made it for a class project. My poor mother still has colorful flower pots sitting empty in her garage....and spare bedrooms. She also has a jewelry drawer full of my necklaces and still proudly wears them as if they were something from Tiffany. I'm pretty sure she has a limp purse that I designed that she carries from time to time.

I'm going through a little blue spell which I'm sure will pass, but it has caused me to start up a new project - baking. This absolutely makes no sense, especially since I have been on a diet. Since my mother is hours away....that only means one thing - I will be trying out my creations on my brother's family who lives nearby. All I can say is - "Guys, I hope you're hungry."

It's Not About the Cookie

I decided to diet a few weeks back and made an appointment with the local Jenny Craig. Basically, the plan is that you buy all of your food and snacks from them and you drop the weight. And, the weight does come off, but the food is pricey. The consultants eagerly try to sell me additional items that will "help" me in my weight loss plan, but I repeatedly tell them no...that I am on a budget and will only be buying the food. And, in the past weeks I have been successful in losing weight.

Yesterday, after weighing in, etc., the consultant handed me the menu for the upoming week. I made a couple of changes....tuna instead of chicken,...blueberry muffin instead of banana, etc. The consultant, who was happily tapping away at the computer inputting the products I was purchasing, said, "And, what kind of cookie do you want?" I replied, "Uh, I'm really am not a big fan of cookies. I think I will skip the cookie this week." She smiled, and said, "No, you have to have a cookie Ramona. What kind of cookie shall I put down on your menu?" I again replied, "I'm really not wanting a cookie of any sort this week. I will just have an apple that day instead." She frowned and then said again, "I'm sorry, but you have to have a cookie. You will be missing valuable nutrients that day, if you skip the cookie." Then she smiled eagerly and said, "What kind of cookie may I put down on your order?"

At this point, it was not about the cookie anymore. I firmly said, "I am not going to have a cookie this week. I'll just take my chances in living without a cookie." She replied, "May I ask you why you are so opposed to our cookies?" I said, "I just don't want one. Are you suggesting that if I don't get a cookie, I will not be able to buy my week's supply of food?" She stopped for a moment, frowned and said...."No....you can still buy your food." I then said, "Okay. Great!" Without a moment's hesitation, she said, "So you want the cookie?" ..... "No. No cookie" I said.

The consultant went to the stockroom for the food and came back with my order. I looked into the bag and saw the cookie with the rest of my food. I pulled it out and asked her why it was in my order. The consultant replied, "Oh, that must have been an error. I can remove that from your order, or would you just like to go ahead and purchase it since it is already rang up?".... I said "no" to the cookie once again.

So, clearly this was never about the cookie. I felt as though I was being manipulated by sales tactics into purchasing something I didn't want, and she was intent on selling me that cookie. I don't know. Perhaps she was really wanting me to stick to the menu and not having a cookie was going to throw my entire week off the plan and her intentions were genuine. Even now, there may be a big note on my client file that says, "WARNING - DO NOT MENTION COOKIES!!!"

I have already decided that next week, I will just go ahead and take the cookie. I may even tell her that I've decided I want TWO......that'll send her into a tailspin.

It's never just about the cookie. :))

The Impasse

I watched a documentary the other night on a polarizing social issue in our country. There was a video segment of one group that was in favor of the issue meeting the opposing group in front of the city's capital. "Okay." I think. "This is good. They are coming together to try to come to an understanding, to coexist." Seconds later, the opposing side starts shouting, mostly through bullhorns at the other side. In response the other crowd shouts back. Everyone is extremely emotional and crying, and obscenities follow. No one can hear the other side, nor do they want to. They just want to be heard themselves.

And, that is human nature...when it comes down to it, we all just want to be heard. Not just the crowds on the street, but anyone whom suddenly finds themself on the opposing side, shouting, trying to be heard above the other's voices.....My guess is that no one came away from this meeting with any sort of enlightenment. In fact, it probably just produced more contempt.

I don't know what the answer is when we find ourselves on opposite sides of an impasse....Perhaps we could just put down our bullhorns and listen.

My Pet

I'm up before dawn. I couldn't sleep at all last night because my pet kept me up. I have never been a "pet person." But, as with a lot of pet owners, I didn't seek out the pet, it just kind of came into my life one day.

My pet is the proverbial elephant in the room. I acquired this elephant a few years ago. When he was left uninvited on my doorstep, he was untamed and dangerous. I was terrified that he was going to kill me in my sleep. In fact, I was warned several times that he would eventually overpower me and to be prepared for that fate. But, over the months, and then years of having this elephant by my side, he has settled down, almost tame. He has mellowed. I have mellowed. There have even been times that I have climbed upon him and he has taken me for a ride to give me a break from leading him around, from room to room.

We have an understanding, this elephant and I.

I respect him and take very good care of him, and in return he leaves me alone......for the most part. I do occasionally have to take him in for a checkup and he gets a shot. So, the following couple of days, he is uncomfortable and since our relationship has mellowed some, I usually give in and let him crawl into the bed with me for comfort. It is not easy sleeping with an elephant and that is why I am up this morning at dawn.... It was a restless night.

I Swim

I took swimming lessons as a child, along with my siblings and the neighborhood children. We attended day after day, week after week. I learned the techniques and all of the strokes. Even though I had the knowledge, I never swam. I was afraid.

As time went by, I watched my friends jumping in the pool and diving from the board. It looked like so much fun. But, there I stayed ...clinging to the side. Even as I grew older, I considered taking lessons again. Perhaps as an adult, it would make more sense to me and I could let go of the fear....but I didn't. I became content to never go into the deep.

When I had children, I was determined that they would never be afraid of the deep. I took my girls to swimming lessons early on. It was a great relief and pleasure to see them swimming and enjoying themselves. But my fear would often grip me and at times when we were together on the lake or at the ocean, I would remind them of the dangers and ask them to stay on shore or in the shallow part.

Two summers ago, when visiting my sister, I found myself at her pool....once again looking into the deep. I dove in. It wasn't graceful or without fear, but I did it.

And, now I swim. I swim in the deep and wonder why I clung to the side for so long.

My Awkward High School Reunion

From what I have observed, alot of people feel excitement with an upcoming high school reunion, to look their best, diet for months, etc. I really had no desire to even attend my reunion in Oklahoma, other than having a fun evening with my friend Shelley. High school for me, was not the magical experience that it seems to have been for alot of other people.

When it came down to a few weeks before the reunion, with alot of things piling up, I emailed Shelley, and told her I wouldn't be able to make it. "It is the first week of summer classes" I said. She wouldn't hear of it. I was coming. "Make it work. See you then."

So, grudgingly, I paid my fee and even shopped for a dress. I made the trip to Oklahoma. That evening, Shelley and her husband picked me up at my parent's home. "Okay," I said, "Even tho no one will remember us or care to speak to us, I would like to leave a good lasting impression on these strangers. So, don't let me dance." "Okay, whatever," Shelly said with a smile.

You know where this is going don't you?

I danced. And, I danced and danced. Thanks Shelley.

The Wonder Years

Growing up as the youngest of three children, some memories of my early childhood are dim, others very vivid.

When I had the mumps at a young age, I woke up to see my sister and her two friends bent over my bed staring at me. She told her friends at school how hideous I looked with mumps, and that they could come have a look at me. I am pretty sure she charged admission.

The two of us always fainted. Sitting in the church pew, or shopping at Sears - Whooshh!! - down we'd go....My parents couldn't take us anywhere without one passing out. It became so common that my brother wouldn't look twice when he saw one of us being carried down the hallway at school semi-conscious. I even once fainted while on the toilet and knocked my tooth out on the porcelain when falling to the floor. My sister, in her girl scout uniform scurried around the bathroom floor looking for my tooth while my mother, in a panic, picked me up and ran outside with me. When I came to.. I was outside with my underwear around my ankles.

Even though we may have been more dramatic, my brother also had his moments. One morning, he woke up crying and wailing loudly that he had swallowed a nickel. Mother rushed off to the kitchen. She came back with an entire loaf of "Wonderbread." She told him to eat as much bread as he could. After a while, he was sitting in his bed, wide-eyed, stuffing himself with bread, he suddenly recalled that he hadn't swallowed a nickel - he had just dreamed he was a bubble-gum machine!

These were our "wonder" years.

If I Had a Hammer...

With a few days off, I decided to change things up in my apartment. This required hanging pictures. I don't own a hammer, but I have a shoe that has a great heel on it that I use from time to time....So I went to the hardware store to buy a hammer. But, when I arrived, I was distracted by "Ready Strips" which you can hang art and mirrors with no nails..or hammers!

So, after easily displaying things on the wall. I was very proud and satisfied with my nifty little "Ready Strips"

Later, my friend Bob came over and as we were chatting in my living room, a large picture dropped from the wall onto the floor. Laughing nervously, I said "I've been redecorating." Then, about ten minutes later while still conversing, a large mirror crashes to the floor. Bob was clearly confused and a little distressed about everything crashing around us, but I dismissed it, and we went off to dinner.

Arriving back home after dinner, I walked in the living room and all the walls were bare, with pictures lying awkwardly around the floor. So...I got out my shoe.....

Boredom....Be Careful

I jumped into a Bouncy House this afternoon.....I was bored.

Students today had their end-of-year picnic, complete with every type of recreation available, including an inflatable obstacle-type contraption. The picnic was lovely, but was growing a little long since I didn't have much to do. I need structure.

So, while observing some students in the bouncy house, they asked if I would give it a try.....and of course I would!!

Apparently, it was a race of some type. You race against another person going thru an identical obstacle course on the other side of the inflatable structure. So, I began by propelling myself into this thing, and the thought very clearly came to me, how embarassing it would be if I could not climb out of it and they had to let the air out to extract me.........

Anyway, I went through the structure....and by the time I got to the top, (where you get on a giant slide that spits you out) my thirteen year-old opponent was already at the snack tent.

I am not sure any of the other adults saw me. If they did, they were probably saying things like, "Amazing. She has such little self-awareness."

uh, neighbors

When I moved into an apartment and I was alone for the first time in my life, it was difficult. I missed having someone to talk to, I thought a lot about why I ended up being alone at this point in my life. I'm not gonna lie....I was having a little pity party.........until I heard my neighbors.

The neighbors are a couple that share my bedroom wall. They are a typical couple, lovingly taking walks, walking their dog, etc. But, when sharing a bedroom wall with a couple, one is privy to the intimate part of their relationship. I'm not referring to their sex life. I just turn up NPR when that is going on. I'm speaking about the slamming doors, the arguing, etc. I don't expect that their relationship is any more troubled than other couples, but it is just troubled enough to make me think (as I'm lying in my bed)......it's not so bad being alone.

It is what it is

My niece Kelly insists that I should keep a blog. Not because I have profound thoughts on life, and nuggets of wisdom. But because I am on this path of trying to be comfortable on my own, and tend to have alot of missteps along the way. And, luckily I can still find a little humor in those experiences.

Most people have blogs with photos of their loving family, and can lists their children's accomplishments and grandchildren's photos. Well, I don't have that......So do I feel badly everyday because I don't? Of course I do, but "it is what it is." So......here it is.