Say Cheese

Last week, my art instructor assigned our new project – a painting based on a self portrait. He suggested that it be better quality than a candid photograph. “No facebook photos” he said.

So, faced with the choice of having an awkward photo session with a friend or relative, I decided I would have an awkward photo session at a portrait studio. Because I didn’t want to spend much (or any) money on the photo, I went to an inexpensive “studio” nearby.

When I walked into the studio, it was apparent I was in a children’s portrait studio. I asked the young woman at the front desk if they often photographed adults, and she assured me that they did (liar). So, she ushered me through the waiting area filled with young parents and children, to the room where the session would take place. There was no door…. "Where’s the door?” I asked. “No door,” said the girl. “So, the people in the waiting area are going to watch?” I asked, puzzled. She replied, that I should just ignore them. “Uh, okay”, I said, just ready to get a photo snapped and be done.

I looked around and saw large props such as pumpkins and building blocks, feather boas and miniature fireman hats. My sillier side was tempted to just grab a big pumpkin and say cheese, but I decided to put that idea out of my head.

The photographer (who was also the girl at the front desk….hmm) started asking me what backdrops I would like. “None” I replied. “Just black or white.” She looked a little frustrated and went to get her boss, who came in and explained that in order to provide the best possible quality of session, that we would have to use at least eight different backdrops. I assured them again I would require no fake library, or American flag. Finally, she began to take the photos. I cooperated for the most part. After a few snaps, she told me to lie down. “On the floor?” I asked. “Are you sure you have adults do this pose?” She replied that they always used that pose. (liar, liar, pants on fire) So, as I was lying stomach down with my chin in my palms, I replied, “No offense, but I really don’t think this is a pose for an adult, I mean I can’t see my 83-yr old mother doing this.”

Well, I finally relented and let them do their thing. They showed me the images afterward, and I chose a few I was relatively happy with. So, it would be a shame to not share them.

I should have worn the feather boa.

best laid plans....

A couple of days ago, I flew to Chicago for the follow-up from my recent surgery and to get started on the new clinical trial - a vaccine that would be created using my own cancer cells that were harvested from the surgery. The idea behind the vaccine trial was to take my agressive cancer cells and transform them into a vaccine where they essentialy kill off the body's cancer cells. I was excited. I had a plan. And, it was a plan that gave me immense hope.

So, what's the old saying...."the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry?" Yes. Our plan went awry. This morning at my appointment, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but we could not create the vaccine from your tumor.....there were just not enough cells to make it." She explained that in reality, there were indeed enough cancer cells, but a significant amount of them were indolent. I was puzzled. "Indolent?" I asked. "You mean lazy? My cancer cells are lazy?" I was visualizing my cancer cells soaking in a bubble bath sipping on chilled chardonnay... Dr. W responded, "Yes, they are a little "lazy". We needed more active cells. But, the bright side is, that we know we can go down this path again, should your cancer continue to grow and become more agressive." Instead of getting caught up on how "cancer growing" would qualify as being "the bright side", I just asked her for Plan B.


Not only did Dr W come up with a Plan B, but she had Plan C, and then had Plan D in her back pocket. In dealing with this disease you truly have to expect the unexpected. In fact, you can count on it. And, as soon as the pendulum reverses its course and begins swinging the other way, you'd better jump on and ride. This pendulum could take you farther than you've ever gone before.

CTCA

A few weeks ago, I traveled to a cancer treatment center to check out the possibility of enrolling in a clinical trial. When I researched this particular trial, there were only a couple of hospitals offering it. I spoke to the University of Pennsylvania, but soon realized that the expense of traveling, etc., would be far out of my capability to pay - flying back and forth every week, etc.

The other facility was called Cancer Treatment Centers of America. They had a location in the Chicago area that was offering the trial. Plus...they would pay my airfare every time. -- I was in.

CTCA is very unique in its approach to patient care. When you walk in the hospital, you are greeted by staff who are falling all over themselves to make sure you are pleased. The only way I could describe it was a "Disneyland" for cancer patients. Except for enjoying Disneyland with my girls as youngsters, I'm not particularly a fan of the wonderland. And, being the cynical person that I am......I instantly put up my guard. By the time I left my initial consultation to go back to the hotel, I had an assortment of free gifts, a leather notebook, a bathrobe, a souvenier lanyard, and stuffed animal. I thought to myself, "The only thing missing are my Mickey Mouse ears."

Throughout the next several days, I met with my doctors and began the process of catscans, bloodtests, etc. They suggested surgery the following Monday, which would mean staying over the weekend. So, I decided I wanted to go into downtown Chicago to visit the Art Institute. I asked the concierge about catching the train, and he replied that they would have a car pick me up and drive me to the train station, and whenever I decided to come back to the hotel, they would be at the train station waiting for me.....and indeed they did. Hmmm.....I was beginning to lower my guard. I mentioned to my doctor that my brother would be flying in for the surgery, and moments later, they had a plane ticket reserved for him. Now that was impressive.


So, as the story goes, I had my surgery and as an inpatient received the best care I've ever had (and I've had a lot). I will return to CTCA in a couple of weeks to begin my treatment. And this time, there will be no cynicism whatsoever...

Now, where did I put those Mickey Mouse ears?....

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

love, Mom

I wish I had someone to tell this to

I wish I had listened to my parents when I was a young adult, making life decisions and figuring out what I was supposed to be. I'm sure it was frustrating for my parents to see me make poor decisions as far as my schooling, marrying too young, marrying a second time, and the list goes on and on. Oh well, because of those type of choices, I ended up at the very least, a much wiser person for it.

If I were talking to a young person starting out on their adult journey....for whatever it's worth, my advice would be as follows....

Time is on your side. If you haven't found what your life's vocation is, you still have time. Time to go to school. Time to get experience. In a person's twenties and thirties, even if you don't believe it.......you have time to figure it out and make it happen. So don't give up on your dream thinking you are too old. You're still just beginning.

Cherish what you have. Don't compare your life to other's around you. I remember when I was very young and newly married and all of the people that we hung with had nice homes and jobs.....but we were just starting out. We felt an urgency to come up to speed to try to catch up a little, but in the end, we should have just enjoyed our small house and lifestyle, because in reality we had everything we wanted .... our beautiful little girls.

Get a college degree. Even if it is three hours a semester and it takes you ten yrs to get it......do it. And get it in something you love, or you won't finish it. A degree in anything opens doors to jobs, to friendships, to social acceptance.

Don't play the blame game. I played that game way too long and you know where it got me? Absolutely nowhere. So, if you want to go nowhere fast, always place blame on someone else.

Be around people that have their life in order and are on their way to being successful. Learn by observing their everyday lifestyle, what makes them that way. Perhaps they have a lot of energy. Perhaps they are very ethical. They may have a daily goal. I've learned from a friend that I need to be very structured like her. If I'm not structured for one or two days......things easily get out of hand.

And, structure is your friend. Wake up early every single day...make toast and coffee, then prioritize your day. Make a daily schedule of things that you do everyday, especially if you have children, because children crave structure. A schedule for the child and a schedule for you. When dinner time rolls around, you will have had a better day.

Work hard. Either on you job that may not even be your dream job, or if you are at home with kiddos. Lazy gets people nowwhere fast and turns into depression. In this day and age, jobs are competitive, we have to work harder than the person next to us.

Don't make choices on impulse or out of emotions. I can look back and see how one choice impacted the rest of my life. So, when you make just a handful of bad choices, they impact each other and snowball to where life is nowhere near what you thought it would be.

Treat people with respect. Even if you don't feel you can respect a certain person, pretend. A lot of success in life comes from pretending.

Finally....be happy. Just be happy, be content. If you aren't then get therapy and take some meds...Seriously. Life's too short.

Moving Day

The vase that you held for ten hours on the plane, I put in a box, wrapped up in my pain.

I carried my pain down the stairs through the door, but tripped over pieces of you on the floor.

I handed the box for another to bear. The pain is too heavy...It's beginning to tear.

The box is now hidden. But when I am strong, I'll open it often....Pain can't last that long.

Inner Artist

Summer class is in full swing, and as I bask in the words of Yeats and Hemingway, I continue to struggle to find my inner artist. The second day of drawing class, I walked in to find the instructor piling a stack of bones on the platform in the center of the room. We then proceeded to draw these bones for the remaining three hours of class. I kept telling the instructor that I was sure I was finished...there just were no more bones to be drawn. But he insisted that I continue drawing until the three hours was up. By the end of class, my head was spinning and to top it off, my instructor held up my sketch to the remainder of the class as a good example of "what your second day in drawing class probably will look like" - Ouch.

Thankfully, no more bones...although I never know what to expect when I do walk into the studio. This morning, we were introduced to our nude model...and before I could throw back my first cup of coffee, we were already frantically drawing in timed sessions. I believe that there are just some things that a person shouldn't be presented with that early in the morning....at least not until after the second cup of coffee.:)

By the end of the class, I was pretty excited about my progress. At my brother's home later this evening, I pulled out my sketches. I waited expectantly for him to tell me what a good job I did.... Instead, he looked a little puzzled and said, "Did an alien come to your class and model?" Ouch again. He was right....instead of a man, my drawing really did look like E.T.'s older cousin. But, I proudly said that was the "look" I was going for.

I'm not discouraged however.....that inner artist is inside of me somewhere :)