"The pain passes, but the beauty remains.' - Pierre Auguste Renoir Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
"There's My Queen"
I've gone on alot of road trips with my parents in the past couple of years. We were most recently on a trip down to Dallas to spend Christmas with my sister's family. And, except for the heated debate over which mayonnaise is better - Kraft or Hellman's....it was delightful.
At a stopping point in the trip, my dad and I were waiting in the car for my mother to come out of the restaurant. It was raining and my mother was caught without an umbrella, so she placed a plastic bag over her hair. As she was walking toward the car, my dad affectionately said, "There's my queen." I wanted to cry because it was so touching, but instead I muttered something about the weather and wiped a tear from my eye.
My dad said that when he met my mother, he was so impressed by her character and her selflessness in taking care of her dying parents and her younger brother that he knew he had to marry her. And, he also quickly adds, it certainly didn't hurt that she was extremely attractive and could play the guitar.
I guess I am writing this because I feel so bad that my mother had a bad day today. But, as always, she handled herself with grace and dignity. Just like the queen that she is.
At a stopping point in the trip, my dad and I were waiting in the car for my mother to come out of the restaurant. It was raining and my mother was caught without an umbrella, so she placed a plastic bag over her hair. As she was walking toward the car, my dad affectionately said, "There's my queen." I wanted to cry because it was so touching, but instead I muttered something about the weather and wiped a tear from my eye.
My dad said that when he met my mother, he was so impressed by her character and her selflessness in taking care of her dying parents and her younger brother that he knew he had to marry her. And, he also quickly adds, it certainly didn't hurt that she was extremely attractive and could play the guitar.
I guess I am writing this because I feel so bad that my mother had a bad day today. But, as always, she handled herself with grace and dignity. Just like the queen that she is.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Options
A person needs to know they have options. Whether it be schooling, career, or health....options give us hope.
So, I visited my oncologist last week to discuss my options. First of all, I needed to be clear about where the cancer had exactly recurred.
Dr. C described the area of all the tumor growth as the subcutaneous tissue outside my abdomen. "You mean I have cancer of my fat??", I asked. She replied flaty, "No, you have ovarian cancer. "It just happens to have recurred (as you so eloquently put it).. in the fat." "Can I have liposuction?", I asked. "No, Ramona......liposuction is not considered a cancer treatment." I was a bit deflated. I thought I was onto something there for a minute.
She pulled out a list of treatments and from the top, she read the list of possibilities I could try for my new chemotherapy, As she went down the list, it seemed as though I could have very easily just been ordering a meal from a menu.....I surveyed the information, and finally decided on Carboplatin with a side of Doxil...... "Are you sure you wouldn't like to try the Taxol?" she asked. "No thanks. I'm keeping the hair this time around."
So, in a couple of weeks, we will begin...again.
When I returned from the doctor's office, my family opened a bottle of champagne....to celebrate the fact that I still have options.....and with options, I have hope.
So, I visited my oncologist last week to discuss my options. First of all, I needed to be clear about where the cancer had exactly recurred.
Dr. C described the area of all the tumor growth as the subcutaneous tissue outside my abdomen. "You mean I have cancer of my fat??", I asked. She replied flaty, "No, you have ovarian cancer. "It just happens to have recurred (as you so eloquently put it).. in the fat." "Can I have liposuction?", I asked. "No, Ramona......liposuction is not considered a cancer treatment." I was a bit deflated. I thought I was onto something there for a minute.
She pulled out a list of treatments and from the top, she read the list of possibilities I could try for my new chemotherapy, As she went down the list, it seemed as though I could have very easily just been ordering a meal from a menu.....I surveyed the information, and finally decided on Carboplatin with a side of Doxil...... "Are you sure you wouldn't like to try the Taxol?" she asked. "No thanks. I'm keeping the hair this time around."
So, in a couple of weeks, we will begin...again.
When I returned from the doctor's office, my family opened a bottle of champagne....to celebrate the fact that I still have options.....and with options, I have hope.
Friday, February 18, 2011
One More Dance
Just let me dance one more dance.
I promise I won't stay too long.
The night's slowly fading, the day is awaking and
I've been waiting so very long.
Love ones around me, dancing beside me, never wanting me to fall.
Just let me dance one more dance
Besides...they are finally playing my song.
I promise I won't stay too long.
The night's slowly fading, the day is awaking and
I've been waiting so very long.
Love ones around me, dancing beside me, never wanting me to fall.
Just let me dance one more dance
Besides...they are finally playing my song.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Just Be Okay
I have a very favorite television show that I watch. It is called The Big C. It chronicles the life of a terminally ill woman with cancer. Doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs? It is....and so much more.
Laura Linney plays the protagonist who is diagnosed with terminal cancer and through the various plot lines, she tries to come to terms with her illness and her limited time. I'm glued. I get it. I wonder how the writers of the show knew that those exact things were going on at the same time in my own life?
I've learned so much about myself through watching this series, especially in perspective to how she worries about her son's life after her death. When she recieves her diagnosis, all rationality goes out the window. She is on a short time line. Everything is urgent. Although he is just a teenerager going through the usual teenager growing pains, there is no time for that. She must fix him. He must mature, be happy, be productive and completely have life figured out before she is comfortable dying. And.......it does'nt happen. And it won't happen.
Sometimes we have to accept that life does not happen according to our own agenda or timeline. We can't speed up the process of life and maturity, no matter how much it may mean to us. We just have to understand that each person grows in their own time frame and according to their own plans. Cancer can make a person selfish. I've accepted alot lately.....they will be okay....they are okay. Perhaps they never needed to be fixed in the first place.
Laura Linney plays the protagonist who is diagnosed with terminal cancer and through the various plot lines, she tries to come to terms with her illness and her limited time. I'm glued. I get it. I wonder how the writers of the show knew that those exact things were going on at the same time in my own life?
I've learned so much about myself through watching this series, especially in perspective to how she worries about her son's life after her death. When she recieves her diagnosis, all rationality goes out the window. She is on a short time line. Everything is urgent. Although he is just a teenerager going through the usual teenager growing pains, there is no time for that. She must fix him. He must mature, be happy, be productive and completely have life figured out before she is comfortable dying. And.......it does'nt happen. And it won't happen.
Sometimes we have to accept that life does not happen according to our own agenda or timeline. We can't speed up the process of life and maturity, no matter how much it may mean to us. We just have to understand that each person grows in their own time frame and according to their own plans. Cancer can make a person selfish. I've accepted alot lately.....they will be okay....they are okay. Perhaps they never needed to be fixed in the first place.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Here's Hoping Next Week is Better
My final algebra course has begun, and it is definitely my Achilles heel. I was upbeat going into the semester because I had the same professor the from previous semester. I even had a gaggling group of girlfriends that I enjoyed sitting with.....but things did not start off in the best way.....The first night, I came in, plopped my textbook down on the desk and a student said, "Hey...what's that?" "Umm, our textbook??" I weakly replied....Well it wasn't the textbook and after a few good natured ribbings from the instructor, I exchanged it for the correct one.....no problem. Next week would be better.
The next week was not better.....I sat down on the front row with my classmates, this time proudly displaying my correct textbook. But, an hour into the class, it was time for a quiz. Not a big deal....only worth twenty points and we could even use our notes. For whatever reason....(that had nothing to do with math)....two questions into the quiz, I started crying...and crying.......uh, and crying. I tried to pull myself together but it just wasn't going to happen. I was in the front row of the class, seated directly in front of the instuctor who was trying to move forward by explaing graphing of Parabolas. I thought about leaving....but I was blocked into my row by an audio visual cart, so I just cried. And, bless his heart, he kept on teaching. He had moved onto Pythagorean Theorems before I finally got my emotions in check.
I could imagine the conversation he had with his wife when he returned home....."Honey, the crazy old woman was back tonight. She did have the right book, but she cried through class...ON THE FRONT ROW.."
So, today, I am over my embarassment and have decided my only option is to study my Algebra for this next class in every available minute I have. Next week I am going to rock my instructor's elliptical world. I will know everything for the test. He won't even believe it is me.......really. I purchased some new eyeglasses along with a hair color and trim.......so I'm thinking maybe with those changes, he won't recognize me...Perhaps he will think that Ramona gave up and is replaced by this new more impressive student .....Yes, creating a dual personality is definitely the next step in convincing him I am a perfectly capable and normal student :))
The next week was not better.....I sat down on the front row with my classmates, this time proudly displaying my correct textbook. But, an hour into the class, it was time for a quiz. Not a big deal....only worth twenty points and we could even use our notes. For whatever reason....(that had nothing to do with math)....two questions into the quiz, I started crying...and crying.......uh, and crying. I tried to pull myself together but it just wasn't going to happen. I was in the front row of the class, seated directly in front of the instuctor who was trying to move forward by explaing graphing of Parabolas. I thought about leaving....but I was blocked into my row by an audio visual cart, so I just cried. And, bless his heart, he kept on teaching. He had moved onto Pythagorean Theorems before I finally got my emotions in check.
I could imagine the conversation he had with his wife when he returned home....."Honey, the crazy old woman was back tonight. She did have the right book, but she cried through class...ON THE FRONT ROW.."
So, today, I am over my embarassment and have decided my only option is to study my Algebra for this next class in every available minute I have. Next week I am going to rock my instructor's elliptical world. I will know everything for the test. He won't even believe it is me.......really. I purchased some new eyeglasses along with a hair color and trim.......so I'm thinking maybe with those changes, he won't recognize me...Perhaps he will think that Ramona gave up and is replaced by this new more impressive student .....Yes, creating a dual personality is definitely the next step in convincing him I am a perfectly capable and normal student :))
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